Penny for your Thoughts

I’ll admit, the title is a little deceiving. I don’t really believe in ‘finding’ your passion. It puts you in a box, which, if you know me, I have being put in any box. Instead, I think the correct word for it is ‘creating’ your passion. Let me explain.

For the longest time, I felt completely empty. Granted, I’m only 18 and for me, I consider a few years a long time. If you’re older reading this, don’t come at me. I still had these depressing emotions, whether it was really a long time or not is not relevant. I felt like I needed a purpose, a passion in life. However, any new hobby I tried would become a burning fixation for a few days or weeks, and then fade out. Then I would be depressed again, because I felt like this hobby did not really define me. This cycle continued for what seemed like eons. I would try to fill this void with many things. Relationships, drugs, self harm, social media, basically anything that gave me a dopamine rush. This, of course, only fills said void for a time. Ultimately, I was still lost in what I truly felt defined me as a person.

It wouldn’t be until my the summer between my junior and senior year of highschool that I would really have some alone time. By this, I mean I stopped the drugs, the constant in and out of relationships, and I started spending time in nature. It wasn’t a lot of time, because the Louisiana heat takes a lot out of you, depressed or not. It was during these silent moments that I actually stopped the racings thoughts of how I could cure this emptiness for a short time, and diverted my attention to how I could help it long term. At this point in my life, long term could mean even just a few hours. I began to find myself less focused on individual ideas and more on the broad idea of who I thought I was as a person. I stopped seeing myself as a thing to be defined, but rather as a growing mosaic of anything I deemed important or relatable. I was no longer a single painting, but a museum.

This is when the positive changes began. My mindset as a whole changed. This is a really important detail. Many people struggling find comfort in a mindset that reinforces negative thoughts or actions. I know I did. However, as cliche as it seems, actively changing your thoughts is the first step to creating a blueprint for a relatively happy or stable life.

I began listening to more uplifting music. Too many people are turned off by this, but hear me out. I love sad music. I love the raw emotion and how when you need to have a good cry it can help get it out. But when you are constantly feeding your brain with sadness, how can you expect it to function in a positive way? Make a playlist that you can listen to that will not feed into the sadness. It doesn’t have to be sunshine and rainbows music, but atleast avoid putting the outright depressing songs in there. You don’t have to completely forget the sad music, just use it as a way to express your feelings when they are already present, not a way to fester and invite them in. Another thing I began to do is explore anything I thought was interesting. My clothes became more colorful. I started writing more, started drawing and painting. I got into classic cars, old music and movies. I started experimenting with photography, and even got paid for a couple sessions. I played around with different makeup styles, loved them all, and started incorporating them into my everyday routine. I picked up books, spanning from children’s fantasy novels to deep philosophy. Anything that peaked my curiosity became part of daily life. The garden of information, talent, and creativity began to grow inside my mind and soul.

Don’t think I was completely happy during this period of time. I still had thoughts of relapsing, of flirting with men I had no interest in getting to know, and thoughts of succumbing to mental illness and never getting better. These hobbies and interests were not constant. I had days where I was so tired I did not do anything but eat, shower, and scroll. This process took awhile, and is still continuing. But as I began learning more about different topics, began honing my creative skills, I found that the emptiness began to fill with love. Love for these things that humanity has created and have been around for decades, like poetry, art, and introspective writing. I also stopped feeling so materialistic. I appreciated things that stayed and persisted, rather than entered your brain for a second and as you scrolled immediately left. I started a journal for researching, for jotting ideas, for doodling. It was small enough to fit in any purse or bag I had with me, so I always had an option that wasn’t scrolling. Even in situations like a doctor’s waiting room, instead of scrolling, get a small journal you can doodle your surroundings in. Use your brain, don’t coddle it.

All of this active brainstorming and exploration paved the way to my conclusion that a passion is created, not discovered. I have found that when I think about what my own passion is, I simply cannot find anything to describe it besides describing everything I do and love. It could even depend on the day you ask me. On a Monday, it could be writing. The next day, I might say people, or art, or nature. Passion is a never-ending, fluctuating idea that should never be conformed to a single thing. By doing so, you constrict your own abilities and discredit your capability. Never diminish your potential. The human race is capable of creating things endlessly, and it is your duty as a human to make sure these creations align with the good of others and the Earth. Explore the world of art, literature, history, and anything else that has paved the way of society. In doing this, you will subconsciously create your own, unique menagerie of passions and interests that cater your happiness and life contentment.